A little rambling

I keep having thoughts about making a post but, without fail, something more pressing always seems to come up.  Having a teenager that is involved in sports this fall (soccer) and not driving alone yet is time consuming.  Doing laundry, cooking, and household chores is time consuming.  Trying to meet everyone's needs as best I can, time consuming.

I still sometimes think of how much different my life is from my "ideal" life I had imagined we would be living when we first were married.  I still know that some how, some day, all this will make sense but I still often feel out of place in this world that I am living in. 

I'm way behind and maybe someday I'll catch up but here's a summary.  Christina turned 16 the end of June.  She's busy in soccer (usually every night Monday-Thursday she has either practice or a game for 2-3 hours after school) and her classes in school.  She is in driver's ed at school but that class had a few weeks off as the teacher was arrested for allegedly drug trafficking.  She had her first date last Saturday.  One of our rules is group dating in high school.  Things didn't look like they would be able to find anyone to take with them so her youngest sister got to accompany them on their date.  And actually sat between them during the movie (we didn't tell her to do that).  While we don't have the rule about only dating members (we have 1 boy who is currently old enough to date and active in the church), I'm worried she won't get many dates.  So much for my dreams of having all of these active youth for her to choose from.  I guess that's what college is for.

Daniel turned 12 the end of June and received the Aaronic Priesthood from his father.  First time being passed from father to son in the Stafford line.  Daniel has really matured lately.  He has stepped up to help babysit when we are running Christina places and he has jumped right in and been doing his chores without being asked.  I'm so grateful for his help lately.  I'm lucky to have such great kids.  Daniel is also attending the private school again this year thanks to an amazing miracle that I am still really touched by. 

Amanda has also matured a lot lately.  She started developing an interest in the piano so I found a friend in the ward who brings her three kids over for me to watch while she teaches Amanda and either Jonathan or Christina (depending on who is available) piano lessons at a reduced rate.  Amanda is doing well in school, her last year of elementary. 

Jonathan is such a funny boy with so many stories and information to tell.  He fell off a friend's trampoline Wednesday night so I spend my time yesterday taking him to the doctor for x-rays after he convinced the teacher at school it must be broken.  It's not.   We just got his STAR test results yesterday for this 2nd grader (given the first week of school).  He's 99% for reading so he reads usually at a 4.5 grade level but can understand books up to a 5.5 grade level.  He is also really enjoying piano lessons (took a little convincing to get him to even sit at the piano for the first lesson) and is excited to start playing the Star Wars music I just bought for him.

Samantha is in Kindergarten this year.  I can't believe how time flies.  I really miss this sunshine when she is at school.  She is doing amazingly well in her speech.  As she is learning to read better, her speech is improving so quickly.  She loves school and "chasing the boys" during recess.  I guess she and a friend chase the boys down, tackle them, and then let them go only to do it all over again. 

Ethan is the only one at home with me these days.  A week ago we went to the ER to have his chin glued back together after he was rocking on his chair during breakfast as we were trying to get everyone out the door in the morning.  It's slowly healing.  What I love about this age is watching how they piece their world together to make sense of everything.  A couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to change his diaper and, just before opening it, he told me "it's poisonous."  Thanks for the warning.  :)  Ethan and I go walking every morning after everyone heads out the door for school (except when we have to run some to an appointment).

Clay's busy in school.  This second year seems more time consuming in some ways for me.  I get worried that he's getting burned out.  He only got a week "break" of running errands, etc. between his month gone with the army and school starting again.  He's told me at times that he feels like he's getting too old to be doing this and has told me that he won't go back to school again.  Last year of school work before rotations start for 2 years.

As for me, well.....  I have my days.  I struggle feeling alone and like I'm not really making a difference to anyone or anything.  I know this is just a season and I try to be the calm amidst the storm of our daily running of life.  Having teenagers and helping them deal with their daily struggles is hard.  Having your husband in medical school and gone a lot is hard.  Trying to keep the kids all on task and teaching them life lessons and skills is hard.  Feeling like I have a hard time to find quiet moments, let alone minutes, is hard.  Comparing myself to others (even though I know I shouldn't) is hard.  Not feeling support or hearing from extended family for months is hard.  Struggling with finances, daily chores, and depression is hard.

But I am trying to change who I am.  I have been working on living my truth.  I'll have to write another post about that program.  It's really opening my eyes to life lately.  I'm realizing that as I get excited at my children's successes, it's mostly because I wish I had the courage they do.  I'm so proud of my kids and for them being able to succeed so well despite our situation. 

I have been slowly trying to go through and clean things out in the house.  One of those tasks was the dreaded filing cabinet.  I pulled out our tax return from 2006.  The year child #4 was born.  Our gross income was around $5000.  We were kind of surviving then, 6 of us on that little money?  Yes, we have struggled with not ever making very much.  I think the best we've ever done is around $60-70000.  And guess what.  We're making it!  I know He is looking out for us and someday this will all make sense I hope.  If we made it then, we can make it now.

Due to the government shutdown, we won't be getting our monthly stipend.  And I'm okay with that.  Things need to change in the government.  People need to wake up and start supporting each other more than just giving handouts or criticizing others.  We have student loans to pay rent.  We are on food stamps.  It's a temporary situation to get us to a better situation.  And we will succeed some day.  99 3/4% guaranteed!