Life

I need to update this more often but it's been kind of busy, as always.

Monday Clay got an interview scheduled for January at the DO school in Tennessee. Yesterday he was given a deployment date. Same day for both. Hmmmm.

So we told the kids last night about the deployment (I did have a little talk with Christina a few days ago). It's amazing to watch all the different reactions of all of them. We had some interesting talks last night with many more to follow I'm sure.

We're really praying that the army will allow us enough time to go out to Tennessee for the interview and have a little family time first.

I know Clay doesn't usually read this so I think I'm going to write some of my emotions since there really isn't anyone else to talk to right now.

I really feel like he'll come home safely. I know Iraq is a much safer place than others right now. For that I'm grateful. But, accidents still happen. How do you say good-bye hoping that it will only be a little while but knowing that it may be so much longer. But isn't this what we all face every day?

Right after Clay left for basic training an uncle came to visit and proceeded to tell me and quiz me about what I was going to do to provide for our children if he was killed some day. Personally, not very helpful. But I was able to stop myself to realize that accidents happen every day. If he's meant to go, he's meant to go wherever he is. I have a friend who lost her husband in a car accident, leaving her with 2 little ones. I have also lost cousins at young ages. We have friends who have lost their lives over in Iraq. I know it's a possibility, but I can't focus on that. I know I have a degree and I would find a way to provide for all of us if necessary but for now, I need to be home. I need to enjoy this time with my husband and children while I have them.

When I was struggling while Clay was at NTC I was given a priesthood blessing in which I was promised we would have the family time I so desperately wanted. We have had that. Ethan is here now and things are going better. I feel so blessed to have every one of these children and even more blessed to have a husband who is willing to do what is asked of him.

In a month, it will be 15 years since we've met. Wow how we've changed. I have a picture from our wedding that I found while cleaning things out that I've been meaning to hang in our bedroom. Right now it sits on the floor on my side of the bed. I keep looking at it and thinking about the people we were when we got married. I really never could have imagined being in this situation almost 15 years later. But we're here.

Maybe I'm just reaching a midlife crisis? I've been doing a lot of self reflection, realizing how much I still have to change. It's weird when you get to this point in your life when you can separate yourself from your situation somewhat. I don't know if that makes sense. I really struggle with being independent to the point that I have really had to work on relying on other people, including my husband. Sometimes it's hard to sit back and have others do things that I know I could find a way to do myself but it's lessons I need to learn. I can't do it alone. I need to have relationships with other people.

Okay. Enough rambling for now. Time to pull up the straps and start walking.