Being Strong

I don't know why I can't get this off my mind so everything else I should be doing will have to wait so I can get my thoughts down. Since this has become more of my journal than my journal is, please bear with me.

This morning the kids were helping me get breakfast ready. Amanda and Jonathan were putting drinks on the table. Jonathan had taken the apple juice to the table that was very full and Amanda was applauding his efforts for being so strong. I love it when my kids encourage each other like that! Amanda was then pulling out the orange juice container out of the fridge and handing it to Jonathan. It was almost empty so she told him "This one isn't heavy, so you don't have to be strong."

I don't know why those words hit me like they are. Hours after, and I can't get them off my mind. So do we not have to be strong when we don't need to be? I don't think so. What if we could turn off our muscles like that? Even if it wasn't as heavy as the first burden he was carrying, he still needed some muscles to be able to lift and carry his current load.

It's made me think of this load I've been carrying for over 6 months now. When Clay left, I had no idea how I would be able to even live on a function level with 5 children by myself. How would I even be able to take a shower when Christina wasn't there? But somehow I have been able to shower every day. :) I know that it's only through the power and strength of the Atonement I've been able to do what I have.

We have said so many prayers while Clay has been gone. When he was in basic training, he was struggling with being able to do the sit ups required and asked us to pray for him to have the strength he needed. He succeeded and has far surpassed the minimum for the physical requirements. I also have been praying for him to be strong in every other way as well. I know that he has been through things that he may never tell us about and I am so proud of the strength that he has found to accomplish his training.

I have made plenty of mistakes during this time, but I have also learned so much. Among these lessons, I have learned that we need to work on being strong because we never know what life will allow us to learn from next. I didn't know how I would even survive, but then other challenges have come along to help me do more than survive. I have been feeling like I should make a list of the things I've been able to overcome while I've been on my own. They have included things like fixing the clothes dryer, repairing the sprinkler system, hiking Timpanogas with my kids, fixing the screens in the window, going to church each week with my kids, and learning how important it is to pray continually, to name a few. I have to admit, some things I KNEW I could do but some I didn't have a clue how I was going to get through that time. We need to be ready for what ever comes.

When my water heater went out, or I found mold in the girl's room, I couldn't wait for Clay to come home to fix these things. Somethings could have waited, yes, but I had to figure out a way to do these things. I guess I needed to prove to myself that I could at least try to do whatever needed to be done. Some things I have had to ask for help, which isn't easy for me, but it also taught me lessons about learning to be humble enough to ask for help. I'm still working on that one.

This week, one of my grandmothers, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, went through a cardiac arrest. They had to put a pacemaker on to keep her heart beating. Her children then decided that they needed to turn the pacemaker off, grandma didn't want to live like that. After it was turned off, her heart continues to beat as it was with the pacemaker on. She has been able to respond and seems to be doing well considering her situation. Grandma has always amazed me. She has gone through so much. She had 9 children and Grandpa was in the army. I'm beginning to understand some of what she went through now. An amazing example of strength.

So I guess what I want to say is thank you to all of you out there for your examples of strength. That has helped me get through this time. I may never carry twins, run a marathon, speak at graduation, go through medical issues you have had with yourselves or your children, or the many other things you have gone through but I have learned from your examples of strength. Thank you for sharing your struggles and allowing me to peak into your lives a bit so I can see your strength.