Stake Conference

This morning started off unlike any other. I was awoken this morning by cursing and yelling outside of my window as a couple was having an argument. This has never happened before and it was quite unnerving. Our neighborhood is so quiet and I still have no idea who the couple even was. They decided to stop in front of my house to exchange words for a few minutes just after 3 am. My windows were open so I heard so much more than I wanted to. I have been struggling to sleep anyway the last few nights and this didn't help me feel the peace I needed to sleep.

It was then immediately followed by Amanda throwing up in the bathroom so now we've all made it through this odd sickness. I'm just grateful that it is typically a throw up once, feel lousy for a few hours, and then back to normal.

I cleaned up the bathroom (so grateful we have tile in there now instead of the carpet), gave Amanda a shower, and got her back to bed. After finally falling asleep again, I was awoken again at 5 am from the lady who had been the in the argument early as she was walking past my house again, talking on the phone.

Not the best way to start the day. I feel like I've been struggling all day. It's been about 10 days since I've heard anything from Clay which doesn't help. I feel like I can be strong for a while but after about a week, I start falling apart. It's hard to feel connected when you can't communicate. I've been writing to him but I don't even know if they are getting mail delivered right now.

So this weekend we have Stake Conference and I have to admit I'm not looking forward to trying to keep all the kids reverent for 2 hours. I guess I'm going just to set a good example to my kids. Hopefully I'll get something out of it. Tonight we had the adult session and I know I could have justified not going but I knew that I needed to go.

It's interesting how little conversations I had with a few people earlier in the day could have easily allowed me to justify not going. I know in the past we haven't always been the best at going to the adult session, especially when getting a babysitter has been so difficult for us. I even doubted myself going tonight. I was just ready to put all the kids to bed early and go to bed early myself but I made myself do it anyway.

They were already saying the opening prayer when I got there and the first four talks were conversion stories. They were interesting to listen to but my mind was so full of everything else that I had a hard time feeling much inspiration for me in them. Then the Stake President got up and gave the closing talk. This is why I needed to go.

He told the story of how he had to choose between two good things to do last weekend and how his wife told him she knew that he would choose what he knew was right. He then talked about the slogan CTR--Choose the Right and 6 reasons why we should choose the right. It's interesting how this hit me tonight. I'm sure it's with our upcoming move. Choosing the right doesn't always mean that life will be easy for us. In fact, choosing the right often means not choosing the easy way. One of the reasons the Stake President said we should choose the right is to make us stronger.

He told the story I've heard before of a little boy who went out to fly his kite. He decided the kite would fly higher if he would cut the string. It appeared to him that the string was holding the kite from reaching where it wanted to go. After he cut the string, the kite did raise for a very short time before spiraling and crashing to the ground. His father explained to him that the string helps the kite to be strong and gives it the ability to be steady in the wind.

I feel like the kite right now. I am so grateful for my string of the gospel to add some consistency in my life when I feel like the winds are blowing so strong. The closing hymn tonight was "I'll go where you want me to go" and I cried through the first verse. Here are the words:

It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

• Refrain:
  I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
  O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
  I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
  I’ll be what You want me to be.

So here I am. I'm still struggling and wishing there were an easier way, but it wouldn't be the Lord's way. Here I am trying to turn my life over completely to the Lord. I'll go where You want me to go. I may not know how this is all going to happen but I know that it will. It may not be by the mountains I love, or even with my husband all the time, but I need to go wherever He may lead us to go.

After conference I sat and cried in the van for a bit before I could come home and finish getting the kids in bed. I hope someday I can handle this better. Hopefully I can have the strength I need to make it through tomorrow and the next few months.