On the edge

Ever had one of those times in your life that you feel like things are about to change in a big way and you don't know how, when, why, or how?

That's pretty much what I've been feeling for a while.  It causes a lot of anxiety.  Maybe it's just pregnancy hormones, I don't know.  I just am so wanting to feel peace right now.  Over the past few weeks in my scripture study I keep coming across phrases such as "Be STILL and know that I am God."   It echos some counsel given to us as a couple a couple of months ago when things started.

Although I know I shouldn't, I find myself comparing my life to many different people I know.  I know that we all have struggles, some more apparent than others, but I find myself wishing that we had a clearer path like it appears almost everyone else does.

Last night as Clay and I were talking, we talked about the different changes that have come into our family.  Unlike some who get pregnant on the first month they try, all of our children seem to come at a schedule that is much different at times from our ideal path.  Yesterday as I watched one of my children play, I remember the struggles and anxiety that I felt when pregnant with that child.  I was so overwhelmed an d had no idea how we would pay for the birth, let alone the other costs that come with raising a child.  I have to admit that I had the thought of giving that child to another family who could raise it much easier than we could.  Now I look at the love and joy that this child has brought into our home and I couldn't imagine life without them.  It was purely a selfish thought back then.

Likewise, we've been on several career paths during our marriage.  I personally don't think that things could have or should have been different as I look back at those changes either.  Each path has taught us individually or as a family different things that we needed to learn.  Yes, there are days when I really wish that a career path would be easier, as it appears in so many others lives, but I know we needed to go through those changes.

I really feel that I have had to learn to turn my life over to the Lord.  He knows so much better than I do what is best for me and my family.  

So here we are, on the edge of something I can't see and yet I am trying to feel peace right now and enjoy the moments I can with my family.  I still have a lot to learn about letting those feelings go and remembering more often that He knows what He's doing.  Maybe some day I'll finally grow up and get that completely.