Lead Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!

I remember learning this song to sing at my seminary graduation, forever ago. I know I had sung it before but it really stuck out and hit a chord in me as we sung it over and over again in preparation for graduation night.

The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!

Some days I feel so far from home, physical home and my spiritual home. Some days feel so dark and alone.

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I think I am to the point of giving up with the hopes of seeing the future. Every time we seem to think we know where we are going, things change to a path I didn't think possible. I don't know that I want to see any further ahead right now.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!

I used to know where I was headed and felt I had control over my own path.
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

Oh Father, please forgive me for wanting another path. Please don't remember the past and all the silly things I thought were to be mine.

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,

Through each move and journey we've been on, I don't regret going on that path. He has led us on a path that I never dreamed on, some good, some bad. But most importantly, I know that through His power, we are being led on the path HE WANTS US ON.

And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Shortly after Clay left on deployment, I was having a hard time which led me to think about my grandmother. She had 6 little ones when grandpa was in Korea for 17 months. Things have changed since then. I have better ways to communicate with Clay that don't take weeks for correspondence but I also have the internet to let me see the war and what is going on over there every day if I wanted to check. But I don't.

I was having a hard time when Grandma's voice came to my heart and told me that she knew how hard this was and she was there to listen to my concerns. I'm grateful for a knowledge I have that those who have gone before ARE there to help us still through this life.

I promise I really am ok. Things have been difficult to say the least this last week. I am still on the verge of tears at times but I know that He is there to listen to me and He knows what is best for me even if my prideful heart tries to tell me otherwise.

Clay told me yesterday that his unit will not be signing the conditional release for him to go to school this year. One of his commanders called the school and they agreed to hold a seat for him in the next cycle since he is deployed. Because of this, the commander said that Clay can just wait another year and they will sign the papers once they return from Iraq.

So this deployment we thought to be only a couple of months has become a 7 month deployment. I know I am lucky that he was able to stay here for the first 5 months and that he was able to be here for the holidays.

It makes me sad that he'll miss all of the kids birthdays. He'll miss our 15th wedding anniversary (and probably most of the others for the next 5 years at least since he has to go active duty during that time every summer for training). Maybe by the time we reach our 20th, he'll be done with the school part at least. That means my husband and daughter will both be in college that last year. This is crazy.

Lead Kindly Light. I can't find the path any other way. I know, I've tried.